This means that there is a slight chance that Tristan could be there. And that just spells trouble, awkwardness, weirdness and confusion.

However Patti has gone to some class for the time being, and won't be ringing me til later, or coming over til later, so I'm not totally sure what tonight will entail.

We'll just see won't we......

Leaving for shopping at 9am tomorrow morning though, so I'll try and not let it [this evening] contain alcohol. That would be a bad idea. hehe

( Monday, Apr. 01, 2002 + 3:38 pm )
From my hands to yours, to keep me safe tonight

So how do we like the line....."i think he wants to cool things between you".

Yeh nice isn't it, just what I've been waiting a whole week and more to hear.

Not.

It's so typical to find a perfect guy, one you obviously think is too good for you and he turns out to be just that. Too good for you.

I didn't ring Anni, I just messaged her and that was pretty much her reply. He wants to cool things between us. She doesn't know for sure because she hasn't spoken to him since they finished school - last Tuesday, and he is rather hard to read, but that's what she reckons. And really if you are able to realise that about a situation without even being told, it must be rather obvious.

Yes I've cried a few years in self pity and annoyance. But I'm actually trying to turn all the frustration building up in side myself into positive energy that is going to achieve something.

I am going to get skinny, by eating good and exercising everyday. I am going to make a life for myself, do the things I set out to do everyday, be happy, enjoy it all. I am going to do really really well at school, I am going to party for one night of every weekend and drink til I drop. I might even take up pot as I really would like to. I am going to change myself in the ways I have always wanted to.

So whenever I do meet Tristan again I will be a different person. A person that I hope he will realise he has made a big mistake about, in terms of not wanting anything with me.

I'm just not liking the thoughts that are coming into my head concerning what i did wrong, especially the one where i might have rushed things. Rushed things between us, and for him. Scared him off somehow. Because if that is the case, then I regret it unbelievably. I don't regret it for myself, or for choices concerning myself, because really I have had the most perfect first kiss etc, and I'll cherish those memories forever. However if he has backed off because we moved to fast, on account of me then I am seriously going to kick myself. I would say kill myself but that is going too far.

Now of course all I want to know is why? Why does he want nothing to do with me.

But I'm hoping that I can follow through with my plan, and perhaps by the time Anni's 18th birthday rolls around in August I think and she has some sort of gathering that he will most likely attend, as will I, I will have changed and he will regret his actions and want me back. I know it's a stupid crazy idea, but if it stops me from focusing on the fact that he doesn't want me, which is ultimately going to lead to tears, then it's a good thing.

As is the fact that I am going shopping tomorrow and I can therefore kick start this thing, I can buy new wonderful clothes to make myself look great.

But don't think I'm not sad....I'm crumbling on the inside and this is all a big act to try and get over him. Is it working? *cheesy fake grin*

so that if I ever do meet him again

( Monday, Apr. 01, 2002 + 10:39 am )
You shock me to the core

It's a beautiful Easter monday [whyy another easter day? how many do we need], and all i want to do is watch videos, and continue to feel sorry for myself that Tris hasn't rung.

The sun is shining and slightly blinding with glare, there are a limited amount of clouds in the pale blue sky, our grass is brown and prickly from a lack of love, but still it is a nice day, which i should be spending outside.

I will walk to get the videos i want - Girl Interrupted and The Virgin Suicides. However I doubt that that is really a good enough use of the day. I must try and organise some homework though, which is thoroughly boring, but must be done, because i'm not allowed to get to the end of this week and have done nothing. That will only lead to pure disaster.

I am extremely excited that I am going shopping tomorrow however. Oh my, I can finally buy new funky clothes and be proud and happy of myself. New clothes do wonders to a 'pining after Tris' girl. Oh yes they do....unless I find no clothes and come home feeling unbelievably fat and un-funky, that would mean the shopping trip ended in disaster.

No thinking like that though, must think positive, must do positive. I did yoga this morning, in my room! haha Using my VCR! But it's somehow retarded all my TV channels so that only channel 1 aka SBS and channel 2 aka ABC actually work. Which isn't totally bad, except that I would really like channel 7,9 and 10 to work as well.

Dad reckons we might need an amplifier or something, and that that is most probably going to cost more than my actual VCR has.....so in the end technology is crap, and it screws up everything. It just makes you buy more and more of it, until you have too much and everything still isn't working properly. Sham on you technology.

I am in a weird weird mood. I actually got up at 8:30am this morning. 8:30am!!!!! It's holidays, you are not allowed to get up that early. I think it's the whole day lights savings thing really......my brain and body aren't fully adjusted, so they really thought it was 9:30am and were like "Time to get up!". Oh well, I can't complain....it's only 10:48am now which means I have plenty of time to accomplish my list of things today. And plenty of time to wish that Tris would just pick up a phone and dial my number.

*sigh* When will I give up hope? Probably never.