I'm better now, but not completely, they still don't know what was the cause of it though. They think I may have Chron's disease, and that's what I'm on medication for. Nine tablets a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

But don't worry I don't look like this. I sure hope I never do actually, what has that picture got to do with anything. Ahh it's scary. I don't want hands like that!

Just thought you might like to understand me a little better.

( 2002-02-01 + 7:35 p.m. )
Beautiful, deep, peaceful, sleep.

All of diaryland has been dead lately. Hardly anyone has updated, and no one is on any of my messengers. The whole net is dead.

I'm chatting on dland chat, which is a new experience. Something to try and waste the time and cure my boredom none the less.

Must study soon. Must study soon.

Just went and visited my Mum in hospital before, and honestly, I don't know how they did it.

Coming and visiting me so often when I was in hospital, knowing that I was so close to death. Because just looking at my mum, even though she isn't sick, and she really was fine just a little vague from the drugs, made me feel sick with fear that if she did die I would be lost.

Not that I'm not already, but I would fall to pieces.

Just seeing her lying there and seeming different, made me want to cry. I can't really handle hospitals these days. I spent so much time in them, I actually ended up wanting to stay there because it seemed better than home.

The first time after I was really sick, when i came home I hated my bedroom so much. Even though Mum had gotten it all nice and ready for me, I couldn't help but utterly hate it. I didn't want to be in there, it made me sad and angry all at once. Because it reminded me of things, I didn't even realise I would remember. It reminded me of everything i went through.

My room actually still smells weird from when I was sick. That's why I'm always burning incense even though it makes me sneeze. Even though I get told off because no one likes the smell of it and it makes dad sneeze.

Is it scary to know that you were a few short hours away from death? Not when just before those hours, I was actually comfortable and free from pain for the first time in over a week.

Morphine is a brilliant drug. I think I'm slighty addicted to it. I still crave it. I even mentioned today that I would like some. Because I would, because it makes you feel so unbelievably happy, and carefree. And comfortable. Oh those first few shots I remember getting, the rush, oh that was the best feeling. And then i would fall into the most beautiful deep peaceful comfortable sleep. I long for that feeling.

( 2002-02-01 + 5:14 p.m. )
Dispise.

I'm not attached. I was getting myself excited over nothing. Why do I long for things like that?

Because I'm lost and lonely. It's what it always comes back to.

It's hot and humid and raining. I can't be bothered writing. More on my mind is the fact that I need to study. That the rest of the year my life will be study.

Why did I chose these subjects? Honestly, I have no idea. It's all just other peoples suggestions and ideas that have got me here. And I don't like here. I actually dispise it.

I like that word.

Dispise.