I'm fine. I wish I was dead though.

I can't handle my life being so fucked up.

( Wednesday, Jul. 16, 2003 + 8:53 pm )
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Every thing is bad.

I'm failing uni. Seriously. I have to go in and see uni people and discuss my results because I've done so badly so far.

I've started crying again. Which means depression is looming. I haven't cried regularly since last year. This isn't good.

I'm stressed. I really want to ring Max but for some reason it doesn't seem like an easy or good thing to do. I want to hang out with him tomorrow.

I need everything to work out. I need to pass. Please please please.

( Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2003 + 11:54 pm )
You can keep the propaganda.

Nothing is really happening.

I sleep in every day, until like 11, and then I don't really do anything until a few hours later.

I've been going to the gym. Well twice in the past week. Better than nothing.

Watching lots of Foxtel. Taping movies. Painted my nails, dark purple with the fourth nail on each finger a ginger red.

I am going to be wearing 12 plastic bracelets on my wrist for as long as I can handle. I think I've lost one though, someone one always disappears and then I find it again.

I got a new mobile phone. After the old one got stolen.....I don't know if I mentioned. But yeah, insurance came through. Yay for that. It's kind of old news though.

I've been hanging out with Lee every single day almost. It's kind of insane having someone that wants to hang out with you that much. I think it's more him though, he needs that constant contact and being able to vent. It's good, but once uni goes back I won't have so much time and it'll be different.

Only a week and a half left of holidays. I know I won't make the most of it, but oh well.

I have to go to hospital on Friday for tests. Hopefully tests that will determine if I do have a disease, and finally I will be put on the right meds and finally I might be able to life a normal life. But hey, what's normal.

There are no boys. Not that there ever really is. But I'm not so obsessed with it anymore. I still wish there was someone that I liked, that liked me back, because it could happen, but yeah, obviously I'm not supposed to be with anyone now.....right?

Or maybe I'm just wasting away my days of being young and in love. So sad.

But really, I don't think I could let anyone in that much, because there is still so much of me I don't really like and I don't really want to show and yeah, I don't want to love someone, because all I can see at the moment is the hurt that follows when they realise they don't love me.

Cynical cynical me.

Life just goes by. You know?