I know all of you could have said that, but it's so much different when it comes from someone around you. It has an impact.

She rang me to ask me if I wanted to go out tonight because she got accepted into the uni course she really wanted to do, in the second round offers. Which is terrific. I am sooo happy for her. But I didn't feel like going out, so I said no.

But then as soon as I got off the phone I started thinking, and I was like - if I'd just got into the uni course I'd always wanted to do then I'd really want my friends to go out and celebrate with me.

So i rang her back and said I would come out, and she laughed and was like "actually I've decided not to go out". But I don't mind, because I was only wanting to go out because of her.

I think I might go ring Joel.

( Friday, Feb. 07, 2003 + 3:11 pm )
Boy.

I have to work for four hours. I can't stop falling asleep. I don't know whats going on with me at all. Tonight is going to be hell.

I really really need to talk to someone. This isn't fun anymore. I feel trapped.

( Friday, Feb. 07, 2003 + 9:53 am )
Again and again.

Last night I went out with everyone and I saw Eden. He was there, I was there and I did nothing.

I said hi to him once, and smiled, and that was it.

The boy I that's been on my mind since March last year and that's all I did.

You don't realise the tremendous about of emotional pain I'm in right now. I'm so disappointed with myself. And I really do hate myself.

I dispise the person I am. My complete inability to do anything.

I can breathe because my chest is so heavy and I'm choking on the tears I'm holding back.

I left my friends at the club at about 4:30am, walked home alone, and when I got to my street, sat on the gutter and cried.

But even then it was hardly even crying. I'm lost in my emotions, they make no sense.

I've ruined all chances of their ever being a me and Eden now, and it's all my own fault.

I just have such low self esteem that I didn't see why he would like me, and I looked so awful last night, and just compared to everyone else I was meh.

I drank too much too. So now I have a hangover and I'm eck.

I really hurt inside though. Emotionally. Why do I do this to myself?